So, before you dive into an online holiday guide, or let a moaning couple from Cheltenham with too much time on their hands steer you away from your original hotel choice, here’s your free, handy translator to take with you before you delve into the darkest depths of Google without a map…
1) ‘Clean and Comfortable’
Translation:
Only when accommodation is spirit-sappingly soulless will travel companies wheel out the desperate line: ‘the rooms are basic, but they’re clean and comfortable’. It’s like saying your accommodation is the equivalent of a Jeffrey Archer novel - functional, but totally forgettable. All the essential words are there, but no one really cared enough to polish them up.
Often to be found alongside: ‘but you really won’t be spending too much time indoors’.
Actually, that’s true. You really won’t.
2) ‘This place has something for everybody’
Translation:
So does a Tesco Metro, but do you really want to spend a fortnight in one? A resort that tries to cater for ‘everybody’ is like one of those ‘all you can eat’ Chinese buffets where everyone leaves feeling stuffed, yet strangely empty at the same time.
3) Evening entertainment is provided by your hotel…
Translation:
And you wondered what happened to the acts that never made it past the regional heats of Britain’s Got Talent? DJ Talent’s practically a God in Turkey. Rumour has it he bought his gold teeth in a bazaar in Gumbet.
4) Conveniently short transfer times…
Translation:
The airport runway’s so close to the beach, you’re likely to get skid marks on your M&S swimsuit.
4) ‘All Inclusive’…
Translation:
Only applicable where ‘all’ means ‘not everything’, and ‘inclusive’ means ‘you really wouldn’t pay for it if you were given the choice’.
Still, if you’ve a fondness for school canteen-style buffets, wine served ‘at your table’ (or when the waiter gets around to refilling your glass with stuff they use to clean the pool), and random fights breaking out over the last croissant, this is the holiday for you. Oh, and if you want to eat something edible, you can always pay extra to eat at their Italian themed Ristorante. Which, trust us, you will.
But fair’s fair, you can drink as much ‘locally produced alcohol’ as humanly possible. Which is great, because, as everyone knows, Lanzarote is one of the world’s foremost producers of Malt Whiskey.
5) Lively nightlife
Translation:
We’ve all seen Reps Uncovered. But, remember, that was telly. It’s really not as tame as that in real life, don’t worry.
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6) Don’t miss the chance to sample a local folklore show…
Translation:
Bar staff forced into badly-fitting fancy dress, prodded with sticks, and dancing for money (because they’re not allowed to do it to bears anymore). Add the following, depending on your destination:
Greece: dancing, plate smashing, dancing (on tables).
Morocco, Tunisia, Turkey, Egypt: Belly dancing, snake taunting.
Spain: Wailing, clapping, stamping of feet.
Portugal: As above. But with more wailing.
Italy: Fat bloke sweating his way through Nessun Dorma (probably part of your travel party).
Greek islands: Dancing Queen. On a bazouki.
Canary islands: Drag acts and family-friendly smut.
Ibiza: Pete Tong, glow-sticks, sniffer dogs in formation.
7) The resort is popular with windsurfers…
Translation:
Why pay for an expensive facial, when you can get that sandblasted look after just an hour on the beach?
8) There’s an excellent craft market…
Translation:
Cynical hippies flogging sun-faded ‘Magic Eye’ posters, bottles of coloured sand and Aloe Vera cream they’ve bought from eBay.
9) Why not book an excursion…
Translation:
We’ve struck a deal with the local out-of-town retail park, and you’re not getting back on the coach until you’ve got a rolled up rug imported from China under your arm and a nest of tables made from a selection of endangered hardwoods, wrapped up ready to be delivered to your home.
10) Haggling is expected
Translation:
…And patronising the locals in order to save 20p on a ceramic olive bowl is almost compulsory
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